News of the Week

Scissors Cut Paper: You might want to brush up on the “Rock, Paper, Scissors” rules. Seems it’s now an organized sport. More than 300 people from across the U.S. will compete in a national tournament, April 9 in Las Vegas. The winner will receive $50,000. That’s right, $50,000. What’s next—Red Rover, Freeze Tag? I’m thinking of organizing my own competition. Anyone up for Hopscotch?

Behind Every Famous Man…: Dan Brown’s “Da Vinci Code” has had a death grip on the bestseller list for the past three years. A movie version is due in May, starring Tom Hanks and his haircut. During the current copyright infringement trial against Brown’s publisher (brought by the authors of the awesomely titled “Holy Blood, Holy Grail”), we learned that Brown’s wife Blythe conducted a hefty portion of the research for the book and provided some of the more provocative ideas included in the “Code.” So now we’re clear on who to blame for “The Last Templar.”

I’ll Drink to That: A Norwegian woman turned on her kitchen faucet, and beer came pouring out. At the pub downstairs, employees were “horrified” to discover the reverse—water coming out of the beer taps. Seems someone at the bar accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the apartment’s water pipes. All was eventually righted. In a related item, Ireland reported soaring enrollment in plumping courses.

What’s in a Name?: U.S. and Iraqi forces announced “Operation Swarmer,” aimed at insurgent strongholds. I keep mis-reading this as “Operation Shwarma,” which would be really tasty with some hummus and pita bread on the side. When did the military start releasing the code names of its offensives? And when did they become so ridiculous? The Pentagon has, like, a gazillion dollar budget. Note to Rummy: Put a couple of Hollywood copywriters on the payroll. How about “Rambo VII: The Search for Rocket Propelled Grenades.” Or, I know this one is taken but Tom Cruise might loan it out, “Mission Impossible.”

It’s Miller Time: I’ve been following Bode Miller so you don’t have to. The over-hyped Olympic bust finished first in the season’s final World Cup Super G. So he doesn’t actually suck at this whole going-downhill-on-skis thing. Miller now claims that perhaps he was a little too eager to excel in Torino, and pushed himself to take too many chances. “Arousal-control” has always been an issue, he says. I think Levitra just found itself a new pitch man.

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Call it March Madness, but I correctly picked #12 Montana over #5 Nevada in the NCAA Tourney. I’m just sayin’. Of course, some Pavlovian reflex also caused me to once again predict Connecticut in the championship game. I have no affiliation or attachment to this team, I just like saying UConn. Come on guys, U Conn do it!