Live Blogging Premiere Night

7pm: How I met your Mother--Ted is single again
7pm: Chuck--I don't know any of these characters or what's going on
7pm: Dancing with the Stars--The wait is over!!!!!!!!!!

7:02: The ballroom is back in business! Drew Lachey is NOT Samantha Harris. Put him in a tacky prom dress, have him whittle down his biceps and then maybe I'll buy it. The pros are doing a group dance. That is so not why people watch this show. Bring on the the disasters.

7:04: HIMYM. You can not have sex on a windsurfing board.

7:05: Chuck. Some guy in a bloody shirt just got shot while checking his email. People--put down your Blackberries. They're killing people.

7:06: DWTS. Can you be a Cheetah Girl and a star? Cameron Mathison just slipped walking down the stairs. Rookie mistake. You always file down the heels of your shoes before hitting the dance floor. Cheryl Burke looks terrified of Wayne Newton.

7:08: DWTS. Jennie Garth is the first celeb to play the "I'm just a Mom card." It didn't work for Vivica. It didn't work for Leeza. It didn't work for Paulina "Supermodel" Porizkova. It ain't gonna work for Jennie. Partner Derek Hough admits he doesn't look as "macho" as the other guys. Because he's 12.

7:12: Chuck. Here's the scene they played in all the promos. And then some more dialogue. I don't have time to decide if it's funny.

7:16: DWTS. Derek is freaking me out with his rubber hips. Doesn't he know it's supposed to be about the star--not him? Jennie who? "Let's welcome back our always dependable band." As in dependably off key.

7:18: "You look like a yummy mummy." Bruno gets in his first rehearsed "off the cuff" comment of the season.

7:20: Derek, backstage, "That was her best one yet." Excuse me Derek, wasn't it her first one yet?

7:22: HIMYM. Allyson Hannigan--Chrissy Hynde called. She wants her bangs back.

7:22: Chuck. Note to self--get TiVo.

7:24: HIMYM. Meet Mom already.

7:25: DWTS. "Hi, I'm Josie Maran and I'm a supermodel." How do those words even come out of a person's mouth? Note to Josie--DWTS is all about the fan base. You can try to fool us that you're not coordinated and un-fit, but you just showed us your six-pack abs. We hate you. Alas, she doesn't completely suck.

7:29: The season's first boos for Len for honestly judging the contestant. I give his pink shirt an 8.

7:33: Chuck. I like this guy. I'd date him if I wasn't already married. TiVo, TiVo, TiVo.

7:36: DWTS. How many times is Tom going to remind us Samantha just had a baby and Drew is just filling in? Doesn't he know we just want Samantha to go away?

7:38: Sabrina and Mark are Cheetah-taststic! Or was it Cheetah-licious. Give it to me Bruno--"Sabrina, you were a bewitching, blonde dynamo!" Eh. "Surgical precision." Huh? I know the dancers are still learning their steps, but c'mon Bruno, you've had all summer to practice those lines. I give it a 5.

7:48: Shameless promo for "The Bachelor." Didn't work for Donny Osmond's show last year. Nice segue--here comes Marie. First to play the "I'm single, over 45, with kids" card. Give it up girl. It's all about rockin' the sequins.

7:51: Jonathan Roberts--scarier bangs than Allyson Hannigan. Memo to dancers: Don't follow the Cheetah.

7:55: Chuck. We can make this work. If you'd only switch timeslots.

7:57: Grey's Anatomy promo. Thanks for reminding why I made a vow last May to break up with this show.

7:59: A vote for Marie is a vote for Mitt Romney.

8pm: Maksim! Scary Spice: "Why am I doing this?" Because you have a tour coming up that isn't selling tickets. Waiting for her to play the Tia Carrere "I just had a baby" card. Shouldn't the Cheetah have worn the animal print dress?

8:02: Maksim!

8:04: Heroes. New characters. Speaking in subtitles. No time to read.

8:05: DWTS. You can take Samantha Harris out of the backstage interview, the stupid questions remain.

8:08: Heroes. Clearly a fantasy sequence. What high school girl, even one with superpowers, would hug her dad in public. J.J. Philbin works on this show. The best superpower of all--nepotism.

8:12: DWTS. Jane Seymour plays the "I'm the oldest woman to be on this show" card. Ladies, stop with the excuses and shake the hips. Damn, Tony's wearing a shirt. I'm waiting to see if it's a tear-away.

8:15: Bruno says "essence of elegance" and I have to agree. But was it Cheetah-licious?!

8:18: Heroes. George Takei. Nice to see at least one Trekker knows how not to chew the scenery.

8:23: DWTS. Here come the men. If you don't recognize a "star" on sight or by name, are they really a star? Mark Cuban--I'll give you my vote, but you've got to buy the Chicago Cubs.

8:30: Heroes. Parkman and Molly are eating dinner. Which I haven't had yet.

8:31: Over and out.