Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Ripped from the Headlines

Home field advantage
The war between U.S. speedskaters Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick appears to have escalated. Now their hometowns are getting in on the action. Announcing results of the men’s 1,500-meter race, the Chicago Tribune’s electronic edition heralded its local hero with “Davis Wins Silver Behind Italian.” “Third Place” shouted the home page of the Houston Chronicle, with accompanying photo of Hedrick.

Dancing with the Stars on Ice
Once upon a time, Vera Wang designed Nancy Kerrigan’s figure skating costumes. In Torino, we have couture by the Bedazzler, with female ice dancers committing crimes against fashion Stacy Kiebler can only dream of. Sequins on the forehead, beading at the throat, and precious little fabric anywhere else. The Ukrainian had tassels hanging from her boobs—for a second I thought I’d stumbled onto a rerun of the Lingerie Bowl. The Italian wore a salad, with her abs and rib cage on display as the entrée. Guidelines state that costumes must be “athletic in nature,” sort of like ice dancing itself. The sport/not a sport debate continues.

Steroids vs. Botox
The Austrian ski team is being investigated for possible blood doping and the use of banned substances. Over on “Entertainment Tonight,” former “Charlie’s Angel” bombshell Cheryl Ladd divulges that, gasp!, every woman in Hollywood has had a few “tweaks.” My husband raises an interesting question: Why is it that performance enhancing drugs are outlawed in sports, but plastic surgery is perfectly acceptable in Tinseltown? Both give the individual a leg up on the competition, both push the body beyond natural boundaries—providing limitless strength and endurance or infinite youth. I say we legalize steroid/doping along with the Botox, and concede that if we’re going to expect superhuman feats of our athletes and actors, we’ve got to let them use every tool in the box. Or we ban both, and level the playing field on all fronts—no more 70-home run seasons, no more “Joker face” on 50-something starlets.

Double Standard
Nick Lachey may or may not request spousal support from Jessica Simpson. Reporting on this newsflash, “ET” turned to Jamie Foxx and Queen Latifah for comment. Because Lindsay Lohan and George Clooney apparently were unavailable. Foxx opined that it was unmanly to sponge off a woman (although apparently perfectly studly to have a baby’s mama, huh Jamie). If only Nancy O’Dell had shoved a microphone in my face. I would have said, “No Nick, no ‘Newlyweds,’ no Pizza Hut commercial. He deserves every penny.”

But Seriously
My computer news crawl tells me that George W. sez: Arab Co. Port Deal Should Proceed. I beg to differ, not because I’m the sort of person who has a stockpile of duct tape in her basement. I don’t even have a basement. Terrorists don’t keep me up at night. No, it’s the fact that all my clothing is made in Honduras or Vietnam. And I don’t think this bothers our current President. I don’t think he cares that Americans don’t produce much of what we buy or that far more goods are entering the U.S. than leaving. And now we don’t even own the ports of entry. I understand we’re playing in a global economy, but our role as Designated Consumer seems precarious, and one that might some day have us sitting on the bench.


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