The Name Game

The wait is over—the TomKat baby has arrived. It’s a girl, not an alien, so that’s a relief. But we all know what really matters. The name. TomKat did not disappoint. Introducing…Suri.

Now can’t you just picture Suri pairing off with Moses, the latest production from Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin? “Suri and Moses sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Shaloola in a baby carriage.”

At least Suri has roots as an actual name: it translates as “princess” in Hebrew or “red rose” in Persian, unlike the moniker Penn Jillette bestowed on daughter Moxie CrimeFighter, which has its origins in Insanity, meaning “my parents hate me.”

Now, don’t fret for little Moxie or her sisters and brethren in celebrity offspring-dom—Apple, Pilot and Banjo. A freak show name is a small price to pay for a silver spoon lifestyle, and if they get teased by classmates or laughed out of job interviews, well that’s what tell-all memoirs and drug addictions are for. Lest we forget, Michael is the second most common name for boys in the U.S. and that didn’t spare Mr. Jackson from becoming a late-night talk show punch line.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with a little creativity, and by creativity, I do not mean yet another variation on Kaitlyn/Caitlin/Caitlyn/Kaitlin/Katelyn/Katelynn. People, you can buy all the vowels and consonants that you want, but at some point it starts to look like you just can’t spell.

Remember that family who got stranded in a snowbound RV a few months back? I knew there was something fishy about their story. How? Because the kids on board were Sabastyan and Gabrayell. I immediately thought, “Bunch of stupid, hippie pot smokers.” Sure enough, the grandparents were wanted for possession of methamphetamine.

Prospective parents looking for something outside your basic Joshua and Emma might want to take a gander at alternativebabynames.com.

You’ve got your Cowboy category: Colton, Grady, Lantry and Stetson. For fans of “Titanic,” the site provides period names like Philomena, Winnifred, Erasmus and Haskell. Wiccans can choose from Amayia, Sangwuine, Valdeth, and more.

In “All New,” the site offers Creegan, Drae, Koah and Quade. But don’t wait too long to make a decision. Arley, Evalee, Haylen, Jentry, Lathan, Thatcher, Wakely and Zayden are all “gaining popularity FAST!” If you’re reading this, you’re already behind the curve.

Nothing against the folks at alternativebabynames, but I think they’ve missed the boat on a potential goldmine. I’m talking about pharmaceuticals. That’s right. Meet my boy Lipitor, his brother Zocor and their sisters Propecia and Lunestra. Imagine little Lippy’s first day of kindergarten. “I am Lipitor. I command you to sharpen my pencil.” This kid will rule the world and have low cholesterol to boot.

Further inspiration is just a mouse-click away. Check out my e-mail Spammers: Chrysler, Opaline, Ambroise, Okura, Bradford, Stavro and Bertie. New options arrive every day: Sianna, Gwenora, Atefeh, Rorke, Timika, Kessler, Arnulfo.

Suddenly, Suri looks like plain Jane. Brangelina has their work cut out for them.