Columbus to Bracciano

I know. Gallons of ink have already been spilled on the topic and entire nations have been deforested in the massive People-Us Weekly-In Touch blitz to cover the impending nuptials of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. But I’m going to go there anyway.

First, am I the only person who’s noticed that while Cruise is whipping Romans into a frenzy, Michael Jackson has emerged from Bahrainian exile to perform the same voodoo mind trick on London? Coincidence? Probably. But the intent and effect are likely one in the same. A little video footage of adoring European fans (are they getting paid?) lining the streets for a glimpse of these once invincible stars, shouting their names, clamoring for photos and autographs and altogether acting as if no couch jumping or Blanket dangling had ever occurred could go a long way toward rehabilitating Cruise and Jackson’s tarnished images here at home. Or not.

As for Ms. Holmes, I must admit that I’m a little jealous. You see, like Katie—I’m sorry, Kate—I too hail from Toledo, Ohio. I didn’t want to get married there either, but I relented just to make things more convenient for my family and friends and I know as a bride that should not have been a concern. It’s definitely one of my biggest regrets, because if Dave and I had gotten married in Chicago, which by then was our hometown, I could have invited Oprah and other local luminaries like Joan Cusack and Chris Farley, before he died of a drug overdose. And I know that’s not the same as J. Lo and Jim Carrey, but it would have been equally random.

Mostly, and I believe I speak for all women in the Buckeye State, I’d like to know how Katie got the men in her family to agree to attend a wedding on the same day as the Ohio State-Michigan game. Especially this year, when a national championship is on the line. Any other bride tries to pull that off and she’s walking herself down the aisle or her dad is packing a transistor radio in his tuxedo pocket. I’m sure Tom can appreciate the significance of this game, having played high school football in “All the Right Moves.” So maybe he rented some Jumbotron screens to broadcast the game during the ceremony and/or reception (I’m not sure about the time difference between Columbus and Bracciano). Or maybe TomKat doesn’t care about the OSU-Michigan match-up and that’s why they will never replace Jamie Farr as Toledo’s favorite native son.