DWTS: Rehearsal Time

I’m sorry, it took me a full day to celebrate, I mean process, Jane Seymour’s elimination from “Dancing With the Stars.” My advice to the remaining contestants: Put a little more thought into your rehearsal segments. This is where viewers get to know the “real” you and mostly we don’t like what we see.

Exhibit A: Sabrina Bryan. It’s quite possible that what with her busy schedule of “not” dating her DWTS co-star, Sabrina didn’t have time to log onto the Internet and check out the television message boards. So that might explain why she inexplicably opted to give the folks at home a backstage pass to a Cheetah Girls video shoot. The haters said all along that the Cheetoh was a ringer. Footage of her learning new choreography as part of her job—granted some form of hippity hop vs. the jive—pretty much proved their point. Dumb and dumber.

Exhibit B: Jane Seymour. See Jane paint with her feet. See Jane shamelessly exploit her friendship with Johnny Cash. Hear Jane complain about her fused spine and old age. I guess she thought this was endearing. Instead it came across as A) weird, B) opportunistic, and C) the perfect excuse to put her and us out of our pain.

Exhibit C: Cameron Mathison. You know, sometimes during the judges critique, Cameron has a crazed serial killer look in his eyes. Yea, crazy like a fox. Here’s a guy who knows how to play to the audience. See, the soap star is well aware that his fan base is 99% female, and stay-at-home moms at that. So what does he do? Shows himself kissing his adorable little children goodnight (chicks dig good father material), while conveniently keeping his wife out of the picture (chicks don’t dig guys who are already taken). Genius.

Exhibit D: Marie Osmond. Oh Marie, please tell me that you aren’t going to try to use your father’s death as a way to win votes. Please tell me that a camera crew won’t be accompanying you to the funeral, catching that single tear as it rolls elegantly down your perfectly made-up face (and fainting, let’s not go there again). Please tell me there won’t be any footage of you and Jonathan practicing the tango between eulogies at the wake. Now, here’s what I would like to see: You telling Donny that this is your comeback, not his.