More Indigestion Than Leftover Turkey

The American people have spoken and we find O.J. Simpson repugnant. We do not want to buy his book, in which he theorizes about how he “might” have killed his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman. We do not want to watch, just days after Thanksgiving, a two-part interview with Simpson on FOX that likely would have caused more indigestion than leftover turkey.

FOX has cancelled the interview and the book has been pulled from warehouse shelves (that trees were killed in this “ill-considered” effort is perhaps the greatest tragedy). So now can we make Denise Brown go away too?

Fred Goldman, 12 years after the murders, still strikes me as a father grieving the loss of his son. When he pops up on television calling Simpson “garbage,” I feel his rage and his pain. Denise Brown still strikes me as a media whore. Like someone who enjoys the limelight, having finally stepped out of the shadow of her prettier, quasi-famous sister.

I caught Denise’s latest act on this morning’s “Today” show. She hasn’t aged a day since 1994 and I know I shouldn’t hold the Botox against her, but I do. Because she couldn’t render a single emotion. I just think about something happening to my sister and I start to blubber. Instead, Denise focused most of her anger on the book publisher—for trying to hide the money paid to Simpson. “We won’t stop until we track every penny” was her rallying cry. Wow, how noble.

Matt Lauer asked if she would stick around for another round of insipid Q&A later in the program. “Sure,” she responded with glee, basking in Lauer’s attention and reveling in this unexpected resurrection of her career as victim’s relative. When in fact all Lauer really was doing was keeping her from appearing on any other networks. So I guess we can thank him for that.

* * *

On to more important news: The Chicago Cubs have acquired free agent Alfonso Soriano for some obscene amount of money. This is a sign, we’ve been told, that the Cubs are serious about winning the World Series in 2007. Or at least improving on the worst record in baseball.

I know hope springs eternal in Wrigleyville, so I hate to throw cold water on a deal that’s only a day old. But I’ve managed Soriano. True, he’s a quality player. Shows up every day. Rarely slumps. Posts solid numbers. But does he win championships? In my case, no.

And I know we’re only talking Fantasy Baseball here. But with Soriano a constant presence in my lineup (I think he was the only player I didn’t bench out of sheer irritation), I finished fourth in a six-team league. I wasn’t even close to the top spot, or second or third. What did these managers have that I didn’t? Pitching. (OK, and savvier knowledge of how to manipulate Fantasy stat categories. But still.)

Back in 2004, the Cubs bet the farm on the arms of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood and have reaped a crop-load of misery ever since. While I’m excited to have a player of Soriano’s caliber on our team (because seriously, Neifi Perez is not striking fear into any opponent), I harbor no illusions that he will single-battedly carry the Cubs to victory.

That’s one fantasy I can guarantee won’t come true.