People, people who hate people

Oh, let’s see, what’s going on in the world today:

Britney Spears’ sister is pregnant at 16. Lynne Spears’ parenting book on hold. Some stories just write themselves.

Roger Clemens denies steroid usage. I believe him, yes I do. But in case I didn’t, I would always have the following technicality to fall back on: Baseball didn’t agree on a steroid policy until 2002, and Clemens’ alleged abuse took place between 1998 and 2001. So there.

President Bush signs bill boosting fuel standards. The legislation also calls for higher efficiency in light bulbs. Incandescents are out, compact fluorescents (CFLs) are in. Call me a cynic, but what are the odds that Dick Cheney, or Al Gore for that matter, owns a stake in a CFL manufacturer? These bulbs are being pushed on us like clear coating on a new car buyer. And they suck. In an “Inconvenient Truth”-induced moment of environmentalism, we purchased a number of CFLs. Yes, they’re a bit pricey, but hey, they last forever, right? Wrong. They all burned out faster than their global warming brethren. We replaced them with incandescents. I’m pretty sure that Greenland then melted and flooded Iceland, causing the entire country to evacuate to Newfoundland, which was ill-prepared to handle the influx of refugees, who got tired of living in tents and crossed the border into Maine, which welcomed them during the cranberry harvest but now wants to deport them back to Iceland, which no longer exists. Our bad.

Candidates asked to name their favorite electronic gadget. Hillary Clinton says iPod. Barack Obama answers “BlackBerry.” I love my iPod; I quit my job when they threatened to give me a BlackBerry. The former says, sometimes I need to take a break from the crazy world around me and rock out to Modest Mouse. The other says, yeah, I’m that irritating guy who can’t even walk down the frozen food aisle without texting my BFF.

Finally, most of you likely missed this headline: “‘Pigeon Man’ struck, killed by van.” I feel so conflicted, especially this close to Christmas. On the one hand “Pigeon Man,” a 70-something retiree who lived only to squat on a hydrant and have pigeons land all over his body thereby blocking an entire stretch of sidewalk that leads directly to Walgreens, is dead. :( On the other hand “Pigeon Man,” a 70-something retiree who lived only to squat on a hydrant and have pigeons land all over his body will no longer block an entire stretch of sidewalk that leads directly to Walgreens. :) I believe that Chicagoans fall into one of two categories—people who feed pigeons and people who hate people who feed pigeons. The Chicago Tribune falls into the former camp. For a completely biased, one-sided propaganda puff piece on the life of Pigeon Man, go to www.chicagotribune.com.