The Golden Globes

Every year, I ask myself why I waste my time watching these awards shows. I guess because they’re so damned fun. A recap of last night’s Golden Globes.

The Jack Nicholson-o-meter: 27 reaction shots of Nicholson in the audience.

Nicholson-in-waiting: Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt

Best impersonation of Houdini: George Clooney. Gorgeous George handed out the evening’s first award and then vanished.

Closest degree of separation from Kevin Bacon: Wife Kyra Sedgwick, Golden Globe winner for best TV actress, drama

Most likely to be named Celebrity of the Year by the American Bar Association: Again, Sedgwick, who was the only winner to name-check her lawyer

The She’s No Katie Couric Award goes to: Naomi Watts, who proved what a difficult feat it is to read off a teleprompter

Most Superfluous Presenter: Jennifer Lopez, not seen at the multiplex since 2005’s underwhelming “An Unfinished Life.” If we need a go-to Latina, let’s make it Salma Hayek, or better yet, America Ferrara.

Best Ad to Stay in School: Meryl Streep. A Vassar grad who also attended the Yale Drama School, Streep is never at a loss for words when improvising an acceptance speech and manages to come across as articulate, charming, witty and, surprisingly, funnier than Eddie Murphy.

The I-Don’t-Get-the-Appeal Award: (tie) Justin Timberlake, Beyonce

Worst Tressed: Vanessa Williams. Her do was one part spinster schoolmarm, one part poodle extensions. Runner-up: Hilary Swank for her giant floral hair clip. Ashley Judd called, she wants it back. Honorable mention: Patricia Arquette, who by day sports an adorable bob, by awards show night, hideous dye job and swept back bangs.

Best Impersonation of Vanessa Williams: Will Ferrell’s ‘fro.

Most in Need of Eyeglasses or Lasik Surgery: Renee Zellweger, who gets squintier by the year. Runner-up: Clint Eastwood, who paired a gold bow-tie (ugh) with a black tux and what my husband swears was a brown belt.

Zero Impact by a Best Picture Nominee: “Blood Diamonds.” Actresses were dripping in ice.

He’s British So He Must Be the Best Award: (tie) Jeremy Irons, Hugh Laurie, Bill Nighy, Sacha Baron Cohen, Peter Morgan (screenwriter), the dude who produced “Elizabeth I” the miniseries.

She’s British So She Must Be the Best Award: (tie) Emily Blunt, Helen Mirren

Curious Cleavage Award: At the 2006 Oscars and now again at the Globes, Salma Hayek has chosen asymmetrical necklines that showcase one boob to greater advantage than the other. I believe the left is suing the right for equal over-exposure.

Dan Quayle Award: Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore, I knew Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly. You’re no Audrey Hepburn or Grace Kelly. You can put on a gorgeous gown, but then must you open your Valley Girl mouths? (See: Meryl Streep for further instruction.) I won’t even discuss Angelina’s tattoos.

Head Big Enough to Fill Barry Bonds’ Helmet Award: Jamie Foxx. What an ego. We know you won an Oscar, we know you were in “Dreamgirls.” You’re still not Tom Hanks. Get over yourself.

Least in Need of Obedience School: Peter Morgan (screenwriter for “The Queen”). In the midst of a timely and eloquent acceptance speech about how public sentiment can change the course of political events, Morgan was given the “wrap it up” signal. Which he promptly did.

Best Supporting Eyebrows: Martin Scorsese

Best Reason to Doubt Tim Gunn: The “Project Runway” style guru placed Jennifer Love Hewitt on his best-dressed list. I think he was momentarily possessed by Kayne. Ick, the dress was Miss America dreadful.

Creepiest Male: (tie) Jeremy Irons, who is in serious need of some under-eye concealer and wore a shirt festooned with what appeared to be bloody bullet holes, and Philip Seymour Hoffman, who is ready for his mug shot.

Category Most in Need of a Recount: Best Television Comedy. Nothing against “Ugly Betty,” but no way it’s funnier than “The Office.” As evidence, I give you the clip submitted by “The Office” for voters’ consideration:
Michael (I paraphrase): Name a white man you trust and I’ll name a black man I trust more.
Karen: Jesus.
Michael: Apollo Creed.

Most Deserving of More Reaction Shots: Aaron Eckhart. Brad Pitt, you wish you had that jawline.

Most Deserving of Fewer Reaction Shots: Warren Beatty. Beatty looked utterly befuddled by every word of Tom Hanks’ Cecil B. DeMille Award tribute speech. Give the man some dignity and cut to Nicholson.

Biggest Hypocrites: Every actress who teared up during America Ferrara’s acceptance speech about how much her role means to “ugly” (aka, non-anorexic, botox-ed, spray tanned) women everywhere. Hey ladies, do you not understand that you’re the problem?

Best Use of the Word Anus in an Acceptance Speech: Sacha Baron Cohen

Let’s Pat Ourselves on the Back Award: Warren Beatty, calling film “America’s most influential export.” To quoth from “Grey’s Anatomy”: Seriously? I thought it was hope, freedom, democracy and the Big Mac.

Most in Need of Advice from Elizabeth Taylor: Reese Witherspoon. You want to make your ex jealous, you’re gonna have to do more than borrow a dress from Big Bird.

The Let’s Rethink This Entire Concept Award: Every freakin’ awards show out there. Why back-load the show with all the major awards, only to run short on time and rush the most important winners off the stage. The winner for Best Score gets to take a leisurely stroll through an endless list of thank-yous while Best Actress has to shout over the theme music to “Hurry Up Already.”